I am free. I also love anything that is free99. My love in freedom is innate in who I am. I have a need to be independent in a world that has let me down in many ways. Looking back I dwell on the pain that I have endured. It feels so real sometimes and other times I forget what pain is. I feel free like I can conquer the world all by myself. Like I can help anyone in need but in reality I can only help myself. Freedom is peace. I’ve always enjoyed my time alone because I know I can trust myself.
On the surface, it all seems so real and perfect and it is and it isn’t. It’s always much harder getting back up. But I’m up again.
I promise to bring her back. To use my words on paper, in audible words and in singing songs. To speak through my dance and actions. It is done.
My plan was to leave. So I did. I was 18 years old, a freshman in college. I wanted to run away from my problems at home with my parents. Little did I know that those problems would follow me.
I was naive, I thought I could conquer the world on my own terms. Everything was going pretty good. I had a job, I got into the only college I applied to and I moved out a few weeks after my first semester started.
I was living the college dream. So I thought. I was going to my classes, study groups, events on campus and bonding with my partner and new roommates.
But I still continued to have the same issues with my parents living on my own.
Slowly through the years, I changed. I learned from bad roommate experiences, failed classes and I even had a baby all while in college. But I graduated with my 3-month-old son on my hip and a double major in Broadcast Journalism and Sociology diploma on the other.
So I am choosing to not run away anymore and put my work out there.
It’s only when you have the courage to face your fears that you will grow.
I have. For most of my life. Even though I lived in a nice house with six other people. I grew up with two working parents, two older brothers and two younger sisters. I isolated myself for many reasons. The best reason was the toxic environment of living with an alcoholic parent. A secret that I kept because it was part of what a co-dependent family did. The pain and confusion I had as a child slowly seeped through my disruptive behavior at school.
“The pain that you’ve been feeling, can’t compare to the joy that’s coming,” Romans 8:18.
For me these words are getting easier to believe. Especially as I’ve learned to put my needs at the forefront especially mentally speaking. I still get triggered even though my adult life is more stable than my 18 years with my parents. It takes a lot of work to let go of negative thoughts that keeps us isolated.
The truth is you are NEVER alone. The feeling of loneliness comes from what you associate your thoughts with.
For example, if you think i’m an adult now, I should have my life together. Where does that leave you? What does getting your life together mean or look like? If you achieve your ideal, would you be happy now?
You are NOT alone in the situation you may be going through.
Whether it’s going through any kind of loss, debt or illness. Your feelings are real and worth exploring. Why do you feel this way?
Are you making up a story?
I’m (insert age) now, I should be (fill in the blank). You’re worth is not determined by that degree, job or family that you desire. Are you comparing your life to others and therefore feeling inadequate?
“Comparison is the thief of joy.” -Theodore Roosevelt
Stop creating these stories, that seem real. Face your reality and love yourself for recognizing your feelings. Love yourself in this moment including the mess you may be in. What can you do to change that negative feeling or the reality of your situation?
“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened,” -Matthew 7:7–8
Start small. Go for a walk. Talk with someone you trust. Write about it. Get professional help. Read a book relating to your situation. Go from there and grow.
I felt stuck in this feeling of loneliness but for me it was a reminder of the past. So, I kept my schedule busy to avoid the anger and sadness beneath my loneliness. Thankfully, I have learned to slow down because of the heavy toll that my avoidant behavior has had on my body and mind. The pain and the fear has gotten so intense that I’ve had anxiety attacks. When this happens, I feel so overwhelmed by my emotions and it’s difficult to calm down from the state i’m in.
No one including you is immune to pain. Whether it’s physical or emotional, it’s a part of life that you have to learn to overcome. So you have a choice to make. Ignore your feelings or recognize them and take responsibility for where you are today.
For me, recognizing my feelings means having the courage to be honest and humble. To speak my mind in a loving way and acknowledge my story past and present. This doesn’t always happen but is always a work in progress.
I’m here to build a community who share their struggles with their wins.